Should I Really Be Blogging

I want to write something important but don't really feel qualified. The older I get, the less qualified or capable I feel to do anything. I alternate between feeling like a failure or a fraud especially when somone my age says "oh, you're young, you have plenty of time" because they honestly think I am ten years younger than I am.

Someone on Twitter said Self-respect is knowing you have instrinsic value; Self-esteem is the hope others will value you.

I've never been confident of the first and continue to lose the second. I think the two are cross-correlated; when one is high, the other is low but in my case both are low right now. My whole life I was told I wasn't "working up to my potential" but no one could answer "potential for what?".

I've been hanging out with some bloggers lately and am finding myself in awe of their ability to do live their lives openly, honestly, and (as far as I can tell) responsibly. Most of them are 5-10 years younger than me. They are hard working, smart, resourceful and not prone to complaining. They all seem to know what they want out of life, are very aware of what is going on in the world and how it affects them and are on track to acheiving their goals. I guess what's bothering me is I haven't come any closer to acheiving my goals than when I moved out here to "start" my life.

I qualify for unemployment. Thank You... but I'd rather work.

I've worked multiple jobs in a variety of industries for the past 25 years, but was laid off from a part-time job in an acupuncture clinic this month.

When I was laid off, everyone (including my now former employer) said "Oh, but you can collect unemployment!" like it was some pinnacle career acheivment. I've been on unemployment. I did not like unemployment. I do NOT WANT TO BE ON UNEMPLOYMENT - I WANT TO WORK.

Unemployment benefits are calculated on the previous 18 months income. Unfortunately, my employer decided to close her clinic and go to Israel for 6 weeks in July/August. Combine this with most of my clients being in the film and television industry (end of hiatus = low funds or no time for massage) and I had next to no income all of August. Explains the "growing more resentful" comment from December, eh?

My salary at the clinic was $12/hr and I was scheduled for 20hrs/wk. I made a whopping $240 per week. This was my "rent" job because it covered my rent, utilities, and occasionally my DSL if I worked overtime. Thank G-d for rent control. The job that allegedly pays my credit card debt (from my forced underemployment in August), school tuition and fees, charity expenses, and the occasional beer that is my social life is my massage business. Unfortunately, my best client has now decided to "take a break" and I am out $1110 per month until I can recruit more clients. Easier said than done.

My monthly "nut" (rent, dwp, phone, insurance, car) is $2200/month. If I'm lucky, I make $200/wk at the spa. I've gotten a couple of potential new prvate clients but no one willing to commit to a weekly, biweekly, or even monthly schedule. If I work half price ($45/hr massage), I need at least 12 1-hour appointments from private clients each week to cover my nut and business related expenses.

I'm being more aggressive in my marketing and picking up extra shifts and I've been dogsitting and doing some freelance administrative work to make ends meet but the job scramble means school is on hold (again). I was supposed to start nursing school this fall but the California budget cuts meant the classes I need were not being offered. Now it looks like I may have to move back in with my folks inorder to start school next fall.

*SIGH*

Fighting Cancer...It Takes More Than Just Medicine.

A friend sent this to me. The speakers are all very knowledgable.

Saturday, March 27th, 2010
1:00pm - 3:00pm

Art Institute of California-Hollywood
5250 Lankershim Blvd. Room 302. North Hollywood. 91601
(Corner of Lankershim and Weddington-Free Parking across street at NoHo Commons)

"Stopping Stressors, Breaking Habits and Tapping Personal Energy"
workshop by Jack Witt,
Lifestyle Fitness Coach of Get Fit with Witt

"Guidelines For A Healthier Lifestyle"
by Bryanne O'Leary,
American Cancer Society

"Fighting Back in Your Community"
by Veronica Reeves,
Relay for Life Event Chair.

RSVP suggested to vanessa.diperri@cancer.org or 213-427-7291.

Light refreshments will be served