I Haz Cookey Nao?

I got the above image from actor Kevin Sorbo's twitter feed (@KSorbs). See last year when I wrote "Should I Realy Be Blogging,"I thought of myself as a Liberal, and I thought this was a good thing. I was exploring other points of view because people I had been trained/socialized/conditioned to listen to weren't making sense to me anymore or were just offending me with their rudeness and/or hysteria.
This is actually one of the more inocuous status updates this particular facebook friend posted. I only have the redacted screencap because it was also posted on twitter so I saved it when I saw it.

I started watching an online talk show called The Stage Right Show and got invited/sucked/absorbed into its chatroom culture. The folks were friendly and THEY MADE SENSE. The more I listened to the host, guests, and interacted with the chatroom regulars (and occasionally the trolls), the more I realized that I agreed with many of them... on MANY issues.

I had gone to one of their events and met some bloggers and radio hosts and one of them told me, based on my answers about specific issues that I wasn't a Fiscally Conservative Liberal but a Libertarian.

As the year went on, I had more education setbacks (thank you California Community College District) and had do deal with potentially more industry regulations for my profession (AB 1822) which drastically changed my worldview.

I swung through the pendulum to the Dark Side; I had become a CONSERVATIVE.

(and the Dark Side does have cookies)

TO BE CONTINUED...

Should I Really Be Blogging

I want to write something important but don't really feel qualified. The older I get, the less qualified or capable I feel to do anything. I alternate between feeling like a failure or a fraud especially when somone my age says "oh, you're young, you have plenty of time" because they honestly think I am ten years younger than I am.

Someone on Twitter said Self-respect is knowing you have instrinsic value; Self-esteem is the hope others will value you.

I've never been confident of the first and continue to lose the second. I think the two are cross-correlated; when one is high, the other is low but in my case both are low right now. My whole life I was told I wasn't "working up to my potential" but no one could answer "potential for what?".

I've been hanging out with some bloggers lately and am finding myself in awe of their ability to do live their lives openly, honestly, and (as far as I can tell) responsibly. Most of them are 5-10 years younger than me. They are hard working, smart, resourceful and not prone to complaining. They all seem to know what they want out of life, are very aware of what is going on in the world and how it affects them and are on track to acheiving their goals. I guess what's bothering me is I haven't come any closer to acheiving my goals than when I moved out here to "start" my life.

I qualify for unemployment. Thank You... but I'd rather work.

I've worked multiple jobs in a variety of industries for the past 25 years, but was laid off from a part-time job in an acupuncture clinic this month.

When I was laid off, everyone (including my now former employer) said "Oh, but you can collect unemployment!" like it was some pinnacle career acheivment. I've been on unemployment. I did not like unemployment. I do NOT WANT TO BE ON UNEMPLOYMENT - I WANT TO WORK.

Unemployment benefits are calculated on the previous 18 months income. Unfortunately, my employer decided to close her clinic and go to Israel for 6 weeks in July/August. Combine this with most of my clients being in the film and television industry (end of hiatus = low funds or no time for massage) and I had next to no income all of August. Explains the "growing more resentful" comment from December, eh?

My salary at the clinic was $12/hr and I was scheduled for 20hrs/wk. I made a whopping $240 per week. This was my "rent" job because it covered my rent, utilities, and occasionally my DSL if I worked overtime. Thank G-d for rent control. The job that allegedly pays my credit card debt (from my forced underemployment in August), school tuition and fees, charity expenses, and the occasional beer that is my social life is my massage business. Unfortunately, my best client has now decided to "take a break" and I am out $1110 per month until I can recruit more clients. Easier said than done.

My monthly "nut" (rent, dwp, phone, insurance, car) is $2200/month. If I'm lucky, I make $200/wk at the spa. I've gotten a couple of potential new prvate clients but no one willing to commit to a weekly, biweekly, or even monthly schedule. If I work half price ($45/hr massage), I need at least 12 1-hour appointments from private clients each week to cover my nut and business related expenses.

I'm being more aggressive in my marketing and picking up extra shifts and I've been dogsitting and doing some freelance administrative work to make ends meet but the job scramble means school is on hold (again). I was supposed to start nursing school this fall but the California budget cuts meant the classes I need were not being offered. Now it looks like I may have to move back in with my folks inorder to start school next fall.

*SIGH*

Does anyone else feel "Blue" in October?

It's not like I don't have a calender... I shouldn't be so surprised but I am.
Every year I get slammed by this massive depression out of nowhere and can't shake it or explain it until it passes. In the meantime, I'm in HELL.

I wonder:

• Why am I here?
• Why don't my friends return phone calls?
• Why don't I have more money?
• Why don't I have a better job?
• Why can't I find a boyfriend?
• Why? WHY? Why?! Waaaaahhhhhh!

Then I remember: Halloween is my favorite holiday but I have no one to go trick or treating with. I am supposed to be a grown-up. Suck it up. Go to work. Move on.

Then I also remember, I have a birthday coming up (more depression --> I'm getting OLD!!!!) and unless you are turning 1-7, 16, 21, 30, 50, 75, or 100, NO ONE WILL THROW YOU A PARTY! You have to do it yourself. Be a grown-up. Move on.

If I got off my behind and went for a walk or did some exercise I would feel better but the ONLY thing getting me out of bed is the threat of losing my job.

I didn't used to feel this way. September and October were great for me because I LOVE Indian Summer. The fall clothes always fit my curvier figure. The colors flatter my skin. Boots are stylish AND sensible! The air is breathable and everything is crisp and full of rich color. Instead of the bleached pastels from the end of summer; gold, red and orange leaves are on the trees and the sun hangs lower creating amazing sunrises and sunsets.

The moon seemed fuller too.

I know that I get "blue" because:

• I have a "lunar" cycle that tends to skip after a time zone change. (went on vaca with the fam in august again, Doh!)
• My car insurance AND rent AND school loans are all due within a week of each other in October.
• My friends are busy because everyone just settled into post-vacation work flows and we're now gearing up for "The HoliDAZE."
• I'm so angry at myself for not remembering to prepare for my ANNUAL October crash.

TALKING about eating right and exercising IS NOT THE SAME AS DOING!

At least I had oatmeal for breakfast instead of an egg mcmuffin.

CA Economic Development Department - Welcome to Unemployment

I was laid off from the engineering firm and was eligible to receive unemployment. While it was not the first time I qualified for unemployment since moving to California, it was the first time the benefit amount was enough to live on.

I went to the jobs center and talked to a counselor who gave me a bunch of pamphlets and some websites to check out. I qualified for job retraining and went about finding a program that would get me stated on a new career. I registered for massage school because DESPITE the nursing shortage and teacher shortage (and my already having a Bachelor's degree), the state of California would NOT pay my unemployment benefits if I went back to school to get teaching or nursing credentials. I was told point blank:

CA-EDD: Only 2 yr programs
Me: It will only take me 6 months to get my teaching credentials and nursing is an 18-month program
CA-EDD: It has to be a vocational program.
Me: Nursing....?
CA-EDD: Vocational Schools, cosmetology, hairdresser, medical assistant...
Me: So the state will pay for me to be unemployed while training to get a minimum wage job but won't help me get off unemployment, and stay off unemployment, by training me for a job that is vitally needed and uses my college degree?
CA-EDD: Yep.

After that wakeup call from reality, I did some research and decided to finally listen to my friends who have been telling me for the better part of a decade that I should start my own business. I went to Bryman (now Merick Career College) and got a crash course in financial aid. I researched some other schools and programs and registered for massage classes.

When I contacted EDD to let them know I was registered for a program, the very kind lady I had the previous conversation with told me I couldn't just regster for a program but had to wait until I was approved! As an office administrator, there was no job shortage in my category so I might not qualify afterall for job-retraining. This may have been the second time I told her:

Me: I will slit my own throat before taking another cubical job.
CA-EDD: So you're scheduled to start January 8? Oh-kay, you'll recieve your first claim form in the mail this week. Make sure you fill it out completely and have someone from the school sign it to show you are in an approved program. You won't recieve any funds on your first two claims but then you will be covered for the time you are in the approved program.

Funny, eh.

If you are wondering why California s bankrupt, reread these two conversations until it sinks in.