If my "pounds" were Sterling...

Sean Connery's wife was right, never say "never again."

• I SWORE I would never be a size 18; the $604.12 charged to Lane Bryant Christmas eve nixes that.
• I swore I would NEVER max out my credt cards; Discover $104 available, MC $1,000 avail (out of $13,500) and I got a new Amex with $53 left on it. (If you're the type to try and calculate fees and such: Discover = $42 min due 1/19/10, Amex = $24 due 1/19/10, MC = $142 due 1/17/10)
• I said I would never stay in a job I hated; well I don't hate my job but I am growing more resentful.
• I might have said I wouldn't stop training once I started again; fired my personal trainer last thursday because I can't bring myself to get up at 5:30 to be at her house by 6:15am.

This is ridiculous. IF I had stuck to my most recent diet pledge, I would weigh 12-16 pounds less than I do now and I would have been spending money on sexy size 14 outfits. Between Thanksgiving and Christmas (O.k., fine, on my birthday), I decided t'hell with the diet, I'll deal with everything after new years.

I'm the only person I know who can lose 1 1/2 pounds and GAIN TWO SIZES!

This is just very wrong. It's midnight and I probably could have (should have) gone for a walk. I tried to excercise at work today but that was more than a little depressing. I am out of shape and have a lung or sinus infection (dark yellow, greenish flem means infection NOT allergies) but I'm not hacking. It's on the edge; the throat is coated just enough that when I do exert myself, I'm hacking like a T.B. patient.

LOVELY.

Pound for pound, I'm worth $375.20 which is a little more than what is due on my credit cards and, unfortunately, a lot more than what was in my paycheck last week. My pay has dropped to the point that I qualify for the phone lifeline and I might actually quallify for other forms of assistance. I'm trying to get more cash jobs (like dog and house sitting) but "timez iz tuff fo' ev'rybody."

I guess I'm done whining. Next time I'll try to write about something happier, like Seth Macfarlane as a celtic vampire. What? You don't think he's sexy?

November is Write a novel month?

anyone doing this? should i write about the amazon queen i've been researching? does anyone read this blog?

Does anyone else feel "Blue" in October?

It's not like I don't have a calender... I shouldn't be so surprised but I am.
Every year I get slammed by this massive depression out of nowhere and can't shake it or explain it until it passes. In the meantime, I'm in HELL.

I wonder:

• Why am I here?
• Why don't my friends return phone calls?
• Why don't I have more money?
• Why don't I have a better job?
• Why can't I find a boyfriend?
• Why? WHY? Why?! Waaaaahhhhhh!

Then I remember: Halloween is my favorite holiday but I have no one to go trick or treating with. I am supposed to be a grown-up. Suck it up. Go to work. Move on.

Then I also remember, I have a birthday coming up (more depression --> I'm getting OLD!!!!) and unless you are turning 1-7, 16, 21, 30, 50, 75, or 100, NO ONE WILL THROW YOU A PARTY! You have to do it yourself. Be a grown-up. Move on.

If I got off my behind and went for a walk or did some exercise I would feel better but the ONLY thing getting me out of bed is the threat of losing my job.

I didn't used to feel this way. September and October were great for me because I LOVE Indian Summer. The fall clothes always fit my curvier figure. The colors flatter my skin. Boots are stylish AND sensible! The air is breathable and everything is crisp and full of rich color. Instead of the bleached pastels from the end of summer; gold, red and orange leaves are on the trees and the sun hangs lower creating amazing sunrises and sunsets.

The moon seemed fuller too.

I know that I get "blue" because:

• I have a "lunar" cycle that tends to skip after a time zone change. (went on vaca with the fam in august again, Doh!)
• My car insurance AND rent AND school loans are all due within a week of each other in October.
• My friends are busy because everyone just settled into post-vacation work flows and we're now gearing up for "The HoliDAZE."
• I'm so angry at myself for not remembering to prepare for my ANNUAL October crash.

TALKING about eating right and exercising IS NOT THE SAME AS DOING!

At least I had oatmeal for breakfast instead of an egg mcmuffin.